Chapter 10- Can we stay in the church and avoid the dark cloud?

• Church should make us happy and Christ should give us hope, right?

• Are there different ways to endure to the end?

• Is it okay if no one else in my family comes back to church with me?

• Why am I committed to staying in the church?

Chapter synopsis: I’m committed to a new approach to my church membership. I know it won’t be easy to continue because of the pain caused by church doctrine. But God’s allowance for variation among faithful disciples and a focus on love for LGBTQ church members – and, admittedly, the protection I feel from mental harm myself, due in part I believe to my relative privilege as a straight, white male in the church – allow me to stay.

Well, after so much discussion, it’s time to answer the final question: How exactly am I managing to stay in the church if the doctrine on LGBTQ issues hurts so much? Well, because of the doctrinal doubling down against LGBTQ people (see Chapter 4) and the meeting I had in person with the General Authority (see Chapter 9), I need to approach the church differently going forward to make sure that church culture and anti-LGBTQ doctrines don’t make my church experience painful. Over the years, when something about church doctrine or culture has caused Cheryl angst, she has often referred to those negative feelings as the church’s “dark cloud” (whether it’s over LGBTQ issues, the unequal treatment of men vs. women in the church, feelings of inadequacy next to the long list of church expectations, confusion about the relationship between blessings and obedience, not being able to relate to a Heavenly Mother because we don’t know hardly anything about Her at all, the fact that there seems to be more judgment than love at times at church, etc.). In the past, we were able to avoid the church’s dark cloud from becoming too overwhelming by focusing on hope for change and just teaching love amongst our fellow Latter-day Saints. Our feelings closely mirrored this statement from a gay son of one of our apostles:

“A truth behind any power structure is that the power of the system is proportional to peoples’ belief or adherence to the system. As much as the organization appears to be top-down, meaningful changes in the lives of individuals start from the bottom up. This gives me hope that even while the organization and religion remain unyielding, the culture can be the impetus for change.” (Matthew Gong, https://m.facebook.com/notes/matthew-gong/birthday-letters-27-28/10158377175735021/ , 2019)

But, given how much more acute the pain over LGBTQ issues has gotten just recently, and how much more intractable the current doctrine seems to be now, Cheryl and I aren’t sure how to avoid the dark cloud and remain members of the church unless we take steps to guard ourselves that are different from what we tried before.

It’s disappointing that we feel we need to protect ourselves from the influence of the church because the idea of any religion is that it’s supposed to generally make people feel happy, right? This is something our leaders have taught us repeatedly about the church:

“In the days and years ahead, you may suffer some discouragement and disappointment. On occasion, you may feel genuine despair, either for yourself or your children or the plight and conditions of others. You may even make a personal mistake or two—serious mistakes, perhaps, though I hope not—and you may worry that any chance to be happy and secure in life has eluded you forever. When such times come, I ask you to remember this: This is the church of the happy endings.” (Jeffrey R. Holland, Apostle, http://www.ldsliving.com/-This-Is-the-Church-of-Happy-Endings-Elder-Holland-Gives-Powerful-Message-to-Graduates/s/88339 , 2018)

While I love that idea – that happy endings are what the church is about – I feel hurt when I recognize that such an idea has little applicability to LGBTQ church members.

While I don’t feel their same pain personally (because, like it or not, deserved or not, I have cisgender straight privilege in the church), the limitation of church doctrine to provide a sense of happiness for LGBTQ people does make me very sad, especially as the father of a gay son.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I personally have felt immense love, fellowship, support, spiritual goodness, and faith-promoting joy from my involvement with the church and my belief in its core doctrines. I believe in the power of love to make people happy. And I have felt that in my associations with my fellow church members on many, many occasions. I agree with this quote from an amazing Latter-day Saint author:

“[M]y theology comes down to ‘God is love,’ as illustrated in the little song that we sing, ‘Where love is, there God is also.’ To me this means wherever in a straight or a gay relationship there is genuine caring and devotion—there God is. And where in Islam, in Catholicism, in Buddhism, in Mormonism there is genuine caring and devotion—there God is. The fact of the matter is that in Mormonism I find a great deal of love—and therefore a great deal of God.” (Carol Lynn Pearson, https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/why-i-stay-2/ , 2014)

Cheryl and I have spent literally countless hours in unpaid church service over our lives. I spent two years on a full-time mission before college at my own family’s expense. Until late 2019, I doubt we’ve ever spent less than 20 hours a week collectively on average on church service and devotion since the beginning of our marriage. We’ve taken time off work to go on many youth camps. For many years when our three oldest kids were little, we woke them up early Sunday morning to bring them to church with us more than an hour earlier than the rest of the congregation, because Cheryl and I were both serving in congregational leadership roles and had council meetings to attend. We’ve taught early morning scripture study classes to teenagers every day before school for years. We even paid for babysitting once a week for a year so we could go together to teach college students a weekly scripture class at night as well. And we found joy in all of that service. We love the people with whom we served, and we love the Lord.

But unfortunately, ever since I first counseled with people as a bishop about their gay sexual orientations several years ago, and especially since Wes subsequently came out to us as gay in 2015, the doctrine against marriage equality makes it feel at times like church depletes, rather than replenishes, my spiritual cup - because of the despair I feel when I’m reminded of painful church teachings. While I know my feelings are not as intense because I am not gay, the following statement resonates with me nonetheless for how it expresses a similar duality:

“The religion [teaches] me to be intentional, patient, compassionate, forgiving, repentant, and to strive to better myself. I believe at the religion’s core is an immensely powerful set of values that drive human progression. In that core, I see an elegance that is beyond human intention. [But] I have also seen the human intentions in the history of weaponizing the religion. The religion also taught me that queerness, is a mental illness, is vile, or simply does not exist. I learned this explicitly from the pulpit.” (Matthew Gong, https://m.facebook.com/notes/matthew-gong/birthday-letters-27-28/10158377175735021/ , 2019)

And as much as I believe in the power of the Savior’s love, just hoping that the love of Christ will “work things out” for gay church members after this life is still a very sad and depressing thought if that means abandoning their same-sex spouses and altering their sexuality in order to be in the highest degree of heaven. For me, part of trusting in Christ to “work things out” means believing that the church’s doctrinal teaching in this area is incomplete and more will be revealed. I can’t separate my belief in Christ and His mercy from a belief that the doctrine will change – because Christ is hope, not despair.

So I am no longer hesitant to use words like “incomplete,” “deficient,” “painful,” “dark,” “hurtful,” “un-Christ-like,” etc., when referring to doctrines on LGBTQ issues in the church. I may need to moderate my exposure to some church members and some messages from here on out, in order to ensure that church is an uplifting, rather than a painful, experience for me. The members of my local congregation are great, so hopefully that challenge won’t prove too difficult.

Some people have reached out to Cheryl and me, encouraging our family to have faith like other marginalized or traumatized groups in our church’s history have had historically. But, as I have mentioned in Chapter 2, and with as much sympathy and sensitivity as I can imagine expressing to individuals in such groups, I think LGBTQ people in the church face a different situation. In addition to the examples about Blacks and polygamy mentioned elsewhere in this book, here are others:

• Many people feel that women in the church do not have an equal voice. But their voice is heard more loudly than that of gays and lesbians who are in uniform-orientation marriages (because they are kicked out of church callings entirely for being in such marriages).

• Parents of straight children who have left the church have hope that such children will nevertheless be saved in the highest degree of heaven with them (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2002/09/hope-for-parents-of-wayward-children ). But parents of gay children can only have such hope if it also involves having their kids’ sexuality changed, which is a depressing thought.

• Parents of deceased young children have the assurance that their kids will automatically make it to the highest degree of heaven (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1981/06/i-have-a-question/will-those-who-died-as-little-children-have-to-receive-baptism-at-some-future-time ). While I would never want to trade places with any parent who has lost a child, the eternal hope provided to parents of inactive gay and lesbian children is much more bleak.

• Straight singles in the church can have hope for uniform-orientation love someday, even if only in the afterlife. But gay singles are supposed to avoid uniform-orientation love here. And because of the church’s teachings, many gay singles struggle with feelings that something about their physical makeup offends God – because uniform-orientation love can’t exist for them in heaven either, without rewiring.

• And lastly, Mormon pioneers who died crossing the plains had the hope of being together forever as families. But gay and lesbian couples are told there is no way they can be with their same-sex mortal spouses after this life.

So, when mortal circumstances and eternal prospects are viewed collectively, there is much to despair about for our LGBTQ siblings.

That realization clearly negatively affects the parents and family members of LGBTQ individuals as well. Under current doctrine, Cheryl and I are stuck with church teachings that relegate our son to either a lesser kingdom of heaven or requires a change to how he loves to be in the highest degree of heaven, which engenders feeling of anguish as well. And that is the prospect he faces simply because he wants to eventually marry someone with whom he can raise a family in a stable marriage filled with love, intimacy, and lifelong companionship, just like the rest of us. That desire is good and selfless. So the dichotomy the church is asking us to endure is incredibly hard to bear as parents.

[Side note: I am grateful for older families with LGBTQ children who paved the way in the church years ago, through their efforts to increase awareness and understanding among church leaders and church members. They make the journey that our family has to endure less painful. I recognize that many families have suffered more than we have. One situation I recently learned about with the David and Carlie Hardy family has made me reflect on how much improvement is still needed in the church. Their story happened over two decades before ours, but still resonates for many reasons: https://www.thenation.com/article/archive/mormon-family-values/ (I am glad conversion therapy was never encouraged by our church leaders for Wes). Even though written decades ago, this letter by Brother Hardy to Elder Boyd K. Packer does an excellent job of outlining the still pertinent reasons why the church is not good at providing happy endings for families like ours: https://sites.google.com/site/breakawayfrommormonism/Downhome/mormonism/mormon-history/aterrificlettertoboydkpacker . The church pamphlet authored by Elder Packer referred to in that letter can be found here: https://blakeclan.org/jon/to-the-one/ . Over 20 years later, the fact that families like ours are still feeling pain in the church over this issue means we still have a lot more progress to make.]

Each member of our family has had their own unique reaction to this whole situation. We’re learning that each of us has a different ability to ignore others’ views that we should feel guilty about hoping for a change or to hold up under the pain of the constant pokes to our wounds brought about by demeaning General Conference talks on LGBTQ matters (which then get discussed during church lessons on Sundays). Ironically, we have never felt closer as a family, as we’ve united to express love to each other and talk about each of our respective capacities to tolerate the emotional pain and the “dark cloud” that the church’s doctrine on this topic produces.

As I have thought about our situation recently, the word “endure” has come to mind often. How much church can we endure? It’s interesting that one of the commandments we have in the church is to “endure to the end,” which means to basically always stay active in the church until death (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1977/03/i-have-a-question/what-does-it-mean-to-endure-to-the-end-and- why-is-it-necessary). With that being a commandment, I have wondered how guilty I should feel if I fail to serve in the church in the same ways I have been up until now in my life. But I had an epiphany come to my mind one day some time ago while thinking about why the church is okay with some people being exempt from following certain commandments. I wrote the following in my journal when the thought came to me:

Jesus taught that the first great commandment is to love God (Matthew 22:35–40). He also taught that the way we love Him is by keeping His commandments (John 14:15). But what’s interesting is that when he taught the commandment to love God, he used subjective wording: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind” (Luke 10:27). So maybe that’s why, if someone’s mind can’t comprehend the importance of a commandment, it makes sense that they’re not expected to obey it. And if someone’s heart and soul would be broken by keeping a commandment, maybe that commandment just doesn’t apply to them. And if someone doesn’t have the strength to keep a commandment in full, maybe God only sees it as a commandment for them to the extent their strength allows it to be. We love God by keeping His commandments, but maybe Christ said we only need to love Him with our own respective hearts, souls, strengths, and minds for a reason – so we understand that obedience is a personal, subjective matter – just between us and God – not something about which we should be compared to others.

So, with that understanding, maybe I should view the commandment to endure to the end a bit differently. Maybe God will understand if I (or members of my family) are not able to keep serving in the church as actively as we have before. While I don’t agree with most of what Elder Hafen taught in his talk about conversion therapy (as I noted in Chapter 7), I do like an analogy he gave in that talk about the way God judges us (https://religion.wikia.org/wiki/Bruce_C._Hafen ). He referred to Olympic diving, in which a diver is judged not only by his technical execution of a dive, but also on the difficulty of the dive. (Maybe I just like that analogy because I was a diver in high school!) I like remembering that the Lord judges us not only on our thoughts, desires, and behaviors, but also on the difficulties we face, which are unique to us, or in other words, on the difficulty of our varying dives. Because my family is being asked to perform a more difficult dive than some families in the church, maybe we can still get just as good of an overall score, even if we aren’t as involved in the church as some other families? All of that seems consistent with what the Book of Mormon teaches about how “it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength” (Mosiah 4:27). Because LGBTQ-related church doctrines result in us being asked to essentially run uphill in the church, I think God might view us just as favorably as He does some other church members who might only be running on a flat incline, even if we are less involved in church service than they are. Our strength is no less than theirs, but it is depleted more quickly inside the church because our circumstances there are harder. So I am comfortable with anyone in my family who feels their strength is best spent serving others outside the church, where their strength can last longer. In my view, that decision is just as worthy (and in some ways more selfless) as a decision to stay and serve within the church.

I personally will strive to attend church as often as I can to renew my personal commitment to God, including to comfort others who are struggling as well and to help be a voice for increased love. But I know my family members may not all be with me every time I go to church because we all have to take care of our own respective mental health too. My family is basically trying to figure out how to keep the good things we’ve felt from the church in our lives, including continuing to serve and help others, while better managing how to avoid the things that cause us to hurt and despair. That means each of us may end up walking our own unique path, which is consistent with the scriptural teaching that the righteous path is entered into by a strait (i.e., narrow) gate and then continues on a narrow way (Matthew 7:14). I think that suggests a path that is unique to each of us, because the narrowness of both the gate and the path doesn’t allow anyone else to be on it. That makes sense given that our covenants are unique to each of us too – so the same should hold true for our respective covenant paths. But, notwithstanding our unique paths, we will always support each other on our individual journeys.

I am coming to appreciate more and more how my family members’ strengths may be needed outside the church, to be with and comfort those who are leaving church activity. My path inside the church is not better than theirs – it is just different. And their strengths are just different from (not less than) mine too, which is why I am sure they can faithfully endure to the end utilizing their strengths outside church activity on the path of service God has revealed to them.

For various reasons, Cheryl has decided that her church involvement will be more limited than mine. And I support her 100% in that decision. While Wes has not asked that anyone in our family leave the church with him, I am personally glad that he has his mother’s company as he walks “alongside” the church-prescribed covenant path, on his own valid and worthwhile covenant path outside the church. For our three other children (all younger than Wes), the dichotomy is confusing and causes anxiety and guilt, either way they turn. They like the relationships they have with people at church, but they don’t like how church doctrine against marriage equality makes them feel – at all. So at the time of this writing, they have each decided to stop attending church regularly.

Some less active adult church friends have said that when they were kids, they felt their parents loved the church more than them – or at least that their parents prioritized church service over them. We do not want to alienate any of our kids from us, regardless of their chosen level of activity in the church. We don’t want to make the mistake that one of our past prophets made with his inactive son:

“Over the years Spencer’s repeated, anguished efforts to call his son to repentance only widened the gap between them. The son believed he should not be expected to profess faith and live his life in a way inconsistent with his convictions. The father kept hoping that perhaps one more appeal would make the difference. Even if it did not, he felt it his responsibility as a parent to make the effort.” (https://www.millennialstar.org/president-kimball-and-his-inactive-son/ )

I never want a lack of unity between any members of our family. So I have given my kids more freedom to decide for themselves about church than ever before – because things are more intense and difficult church-wise for all of us now. All of our kids love many things about the church – especially the people. They might have decided to remain active in the church were it not for the pain caused by the newly entrenched doctrine on LGBTQ issues. (They each also don’t like the inequality between men and women in the church, but they were able to ignore that concern for years and still participate fully.)

Interestingly, giving my children more space to choose what to do is consistent with an impression I had when I went to the temple on September 20, 2019, after President Nelson’s BYU sermon but before my meeting with the General Authority. I wrote the following down in my journal when I came out of the temple:

I had a spiritual witness in the temple today that I need to trust the Lord when it comes to my kids. I need to avoid pressuring them. Teach them, yes. Testify to them, yes. Love them, absolutely. But pressure them about the church, no. God can guide them more effectively and wisely than I can, and He knows what paths will be best for them.

I heard an interesting analogy on a podcast (which I already shared briefly in a side note in Chapter 9 and which, as noted, I believe was originally taught by Derek Knox) that relates to that sentiment as well. At a conference for LGBTQ-supportive parents in the church, a mother was expressing anguish. She was upset about the desires of her teenage daughter to no longer attend church because she was a lesbian. Going to church and related activities made the daughter feel bad about herself and think about suicide. The conference presenter thought for a minute and then answered the mother’s question by relaying the Bible story of Solomon and the baby: two women are fighting over the baby, and Solomon says he could just chop the baby in half so they could share (1 Kings 3:16-28). One woman was okay with that solution; she was apparently most interested in winning the argument. But the other woman was more concerned for the baby’s well-being and so was willing to let the baby go to a different home to be raised in safety and peace. The presenter then asked the mother if she was willing to let her lesbian daughter be raised in a different spiritual home so she could likewise be safe and at peace – so she wouldn’t want to kill herself. That story resonates with me and I am trying now to focus more on the emotional and spiritual well-being of each one of my kids, based on their unique personalities and needs, than I am on just keeping them active in the church – because I’m realizing now that the church may not be a healthy place for everyone right now.

On that note, I’m glad that in 2018 the church adopted a new approach that emphasizes the integration of gospel study at home. The catchphrase is “home-centered, church -supported.” I think that means the primary responsibility for gospel instruction, learning, and commitment should come from the home, not from time spent at church. The word “support” means holding up a part of the weight of something. I think the church is saying that each family needs to make sure that it is holding up the primary weight of gospel learning and living, not the church. So while I will strive to attend church often, I will also not hesitate to stay home on Sundays when I feel that I need to be with my family, to circle our wagons and heal from any hurtful messages or attitudes church teachings might be bringing into our lives. I believe that approach is consistent with the teaching that personal revelation for our families is no less important than revelation received by church leaders for the church:

“As General Authorities of the Church, we are just the same as you are, and you are just the same as we are. You have the same access to the powers of revelation for your families and for your work and for your callings as we do.” (Boyd K. Packer, Apostle, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/10/the-weak-and-the-simple-of-the-church , 2007)

I believe that when prayerful guidance is sought from God by parents regarding what is best for their children, the answers they receive carry as much weight in that relationship as any amount of church authority. I believe God stands eager and ready to reveal and give authority to Cheryl and me in how we support, love, teach, guide, and celebrate our gay son and each of our other kids.

We hope no one will judge us negatively for not being as heavily involved as before. I think that’s one of the most serious cultural problems within our church - a notion of perfectionism that leads to judgment of others. Many people are so insecure about their ability to be “enough” that they compare themselves to others to make themselves feel better. And we tend to look down on questioning and on hopes or thoughts that are against orthodoxy, thereby making each other feel guilty for that too. For example, I have wondered at times why I should ever feel bad for not being able to think about Wes the way the General Authority seemed to want me to. I have wondered whether other families in the church can balance serving in the church and having a gay son better than we can. But that line of thought just causes more feelings of darkness about attending church. Like we are never good enough. So to avoid that vicious circle of thought, I think it’s important for everyone in my family to decide on their own what they can tolerate church-wise while still staying mentally healthy – enduring to the end based on where they feel God wants them to devote their strength, not on what others think is necessary (Matthew 24:13, 2 Nephi 31:17, Doctrine & Covenants 53:7). All that really matters in the end is if we each know we’re good with God. In that vein, I love the following quote from one of the former general worldwide women’s leaders in our church:

“Be spiritually independent enough that your relationship with the Savior doesn't depend on your circumstances or on what other people say and do. Have the spiritual independence to be a Mormon--the best Mormon you can--in your own way. Not the bishop's way. Not the Relief Society president's way. Your way.” ― Chieko N. Okazaki, Former Counselor in the General Relief Society Presidency; from her book Lighten Up (https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/6837.Chieko_N_Okazaki )

I think it’s appropriate to begin to wrap up now by stating the main reasons I am staying in the church:

1. Because it is my spiritual home since childhood: Author Carol Lynn Pearson quoted the Dalai Lama: “‘Grow Where You Are Planted.’ I expect that is what the Dalai Lama meant when he said that whenever possible we should stay in the religion we were born to.” (Carol Lynn Pearson, https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/why-i-stay-2/ , 2014)

2. Because I believe in what I consider to be its truly core teachings about Christ-like love and His gospel.

3. Because I love many of the unique doctrines and theological concepts that the church teaches, such as: the idea that everyone who has ever lived will have an equal and fair opportunity, whether in this life or the next, to make it to the highest degree of heaven; the idea that we have a Heavenly Mother; the idea that our Heavenly Parents want us to become like Them after this life; the idea that the heavens are never closed to further revelation because there are prophets and apostles walking the earth today just like they did anciently; the way the Book of Mormon clarifies the power and scope of Christ’s Atonement; the Book of Mormon’s teaching that this life is not a mistake that came about because of the fall of Adam and Eve, but that, rather, it is part of God’s plan for us and a time for us to be tested and to grow; and many others.

4. Because I love the associations I have with my fellow Latter-day Saints; and

5. Because I made a promise to God when I was baptized that I would “comfort those who stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:8-9). LGBTQ Latter-day Saints need and deserve plenty of comfort.

I feel like I’m in a somewhat unique position to help comfort others in the church who are struggling with the church’s LGBTQ doctrines, given the combination of me having a gay son and my experience growing up in the church and serving in many church leadership capacities as an adult. I’m also staying because Wes wants me to - although he would be fine if I didn’t stay too. He just wants me to be true to myself (and that’s what this whole book is about - me being true to myself). And part of being true to myself means striving with my fellow Latter-day Saints to make the world a better place. I guess I believe that:

“…distilled to its essence the Church is its members, striving for meaning and a better life. Beautiful in their attempts, terrifying in their potential, and human in their efforts.” (Matthew Gong, https://m.facebook.com/notes/matthew-gong/birthday-letters-27-28/10158377175735021/ , 2019)

I am going to try to help the marginalized members of the church – the ones who feel like they’re on the fringes – feel like they belong, because they do. I love what Peter teaches us in the New Testament about making sure we don’t reject the marginalized people among us:

“You are followers of the Lord, and this stone is precious to you. But it isn't precious to those who refuse to follow him. They are the builders who tossed aside the stone that turned out to be the most important one of all.” (1 Peter 2:7, Contemporary English Version)

Christ lived His mortal life on the margins of society in His day. I think we reject Christ, the most important stone in the structure of the gospel, if we fail to find a way to help people who don’t seem to fit the typical mold know that they are important to the church too. So I will stay in the church to try to ensure that fewer precious stones get cast away. Meanwhile, my approach to doing so, again, is going to be more guarded going forward - to protect the mental health and well-being of myself and that of my family. To be honest, for the first time in my life, I sometimes wish I didn’t have a strong testimony and belief in the church. It would be a lot easier to just leave the church than it is going to be for me to stay and try to keep it a safe place.

I’m going to take up the challenge to stay and be a vocal proponent for increased love and charity (as I was before), to be more open about my thoughts on LGBTQ political issues, and to no longer be hesitant to say that I am praying with all my heart, every day, that the church’s doctrines about LGBTQ issues change. I don’t think that means I’m sustaining or promoting teachings that are contrary to the church’s doctrine – to do that, I think I would have to be demanding that the church change its positions (instead of just expressing the pain that is caused by them) or be trying to convince people to leave the church. I’m not trying to do that. Rather, I’m just being honest about the desires of my heart and mind, so people understand the sentiments of a father of a gay son better than perhaps they did before – which will hopefully help church members minister better to such people going forward.

While I’m staying, I will also need to hope differently by accepting church teachings in a more selective way. To be able to put up with what I anticipate will be many future decades of teachings that feel hostile to our LGBTQ siblings, I have decided to pick and choose what church teachings I decide to have faith in. One Latter-day Saint author described this sentiment perfectly for me as follows:

“I also believe an important reason that I am able to stay is that in some ways I do not stay. I do not stay in concepts that I do not accept. I do not stay in traditions that I do not believe in. I move, in my own very imperfect way, toward the horizon that truly calls to me. I believe the best thing I received from my pioneer ancestors was not a destination, but an invitation. They gave me the model of being a pioneer and encouraged me to follow in their footsteps.” (Carol Lynn Pearson, https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/why-i-stay-2/ , 2014)

And I think there is prophetic support for me to take this sort of selective-acceptance approach to church teachings:

“I never thought it was right to call up a man and try him because he erred in doctrine; it looks too much like Methodism and not like Latter-day Saintism. Methodists have creeds which a man must believe or be kicked out of their church. I want the liberty of believing as I please. It feels so good not to be trammeled.” (The Prophet Joseph Smith, https://www.josephsmithpapers.org/paper-summary/discourse-8-april-1843-as-reported-by-william-clayton-b/3 , 1843, spelling and capitalization modernized)

“The first and fundamental principle of our holy religion is, that we believe that we have a right to embrace all, and every item of truth, without…being circumscribed or prohibited by the creeds…of men…when that truth is clearly demonstrated to our minds, and we have the highest degree of evidence of the same.” (The Prophet Joseph Smith, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/teachings-joseph-smith/chapter-22?lang=eng , 1839).

“...if a man rejects a message that I may give to him but is still moral and believes in the main principles of the gospel and desires to continue in his membership in the Church, he is permitted to remain...so long as a man believe in God and has a little faith in the Church organization, we nurture and aid that person to continue faithfully as a member of the Church though he may not believe all that is revealed.” (President Joseph F. Smith, Reed Smoot Hearings, US Congress, 1903-1907, pg 97) (https://bit.ly/2TksPK9 )

I think selectively choosing which church doctrines I will have hope and faith in is a good thing for me as I start what feels like a new spiritual journey. To that end, I really like this quote from Brigham Young:

“I do not even believe that there is a single revelation, among the many God has given to the Church, that is perfect in its fullness. The revelations of God contain correct doctrine and principles so far as they go; but it is impossible for the poor, weak, low, groveling, sinful inhabitants of the earth to receive a revelation from the Almighty in all its perfections” (Discourses of Brigham Young, Deseret Book, 1977, p. 40 (https://www.fairmormon.org/answers/Doctrine_and_Covenants/Textual_changes/Why_did_Joseph_Smith_edit_revelations#Brigham_Young_.281855.29:_.22I_do_not_even_believe_that_there_is_a_single_revelation.2C_among_the_many_God_has_given_to_the_Church.2C_that_is_perfect_in_its_fulness.22 )

The importance of taking a selective approach to accepting church teachings is powerfully described as follows:

It seems to me we must not accept any interpretation or scripture, or any statement by a Church leader or teaching in a Church meeting or Church school class that denies or diminishes the clear, central doctrine that all are alike unto God, black and white, male and female. It is more reasonable, as well as ethical, to give up racist and sexist and (homophobic) theology than to cling to every statement by every Church leader as authoritative. (Jody England Hansen, Author and Mama Dragon, https://affirmation.org/lgbtqia-mormons-families-friends-reactions-general-conference/, 2017) 

I will try to promote growth and healing in the church by worshipping God in the way I see most worthwhile: through creating love wherever I can. So ironically, the current doctrine of the church provides me a great opportunity to worship more meaningfully than I perhaps could anywhere else:

“We have the privilege in our day of doing something of historical importance for our gay loved ones just as our ancestors did when they gave up the slave trade, when they banned segregation, when they decided women had souls and even gave them the vote. They knew there was no love in what they had been doing and also knew that for there to be love things had to change. You and I have the privilege of seeing the sad places and creating more love – more goodness…Our church provides a perfect opportunity for me to create love in places where it appears to be lacking. I think creating more love in the world is the only reason to try to change anything.” (Carol Lynn Pearson, https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/why-i-stay-2/ , 2014)

I will make it a matter of sincere devotion as I stay in the church to encourage Latter-day Saints to see the beauty that is present in the love that gay couples share. And how they contribute in a positive way to the kaleidoscope of diversity that enriches our society and our souls. And I’ll try to help people see how I can imagine that gay couples being in highest degree of heaven could enrich everyone’s collective experience there as well. I wonder if the following words from one of our apostles might apply as much to our relationships in the church here in mortality as they will to our relationships in heaven:

“[W]hile the Atonement is meant to help us all become more like Christ, it is not meant to make us all the same. Sometimes we confuse differences in personality with sin. We can even make the mistake of thinking that because someone is different from us, it must mean they are not pleasing to God. This line of thinking leads some to believe that the Church wants to create every member from a single mold—that each one should look, feel, think, and behave like every other. This would contradict the genius of God, who created every man different from his brother, every son different from his father. Even identical twins are not identical in their personalities and spiritual identities.

It also contradicts the intent and purpose of the Church of Jesus Christ, which acknowledges and protects the moral agency—with all its far-reaching consequences—of each and every one of God’s children. As disciples of Jesus Christ, we are united in our testimony of the restored gospel and our commitment to keep God’s commandments. But we are diverse in our cultural, social, and political preferences.

The Church thrives when we take advantage of this diversity and encourage each other to develop and use our talents to lift and strengthen our fellow disciples.” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Apostle, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/04/four-titles , 2013)

As I continue in my covenant path in the church, I’ll also make sure to continue to sustain our general, regional, and local church leaders as they strive to do what they feel is God’s will. I will sustain them by not expecting them to be perfect, and by letting them know when something they do or say causes me or others pain – so they have more information with which to continue to seek ongoing inspiration. I will acknowledge that their priesthood authority is worldwide and mine is just with respect to my family.

For that reason, I won’t aggressively agitate for change in the church, as I believe there needs to be order in the church for it to function properly. That being said, I will continue to vocalize my questions, concerns and pain, so we, as members of the church as a whole, can open our minds to the possibility that the church’s position against marriage equality in our doctrine might not reflect the fullness of the gospel that the Lord wants to reveal to us. I think keeping an open mind in that respect is important. As I have said, I believe change may only come about when we have learned on our own certain lessons about love that will make most members’ hearts become excited about having gay couples with us in the pews, not nervous about it.

As I try to do all this, I’m hopeful I can find a sense of purpose and meaning in the church as I have otherwise felt throughout my life. I recognize that in order to feel that again, I will need to be more vigilant and stoic in dodging the dark cloud of doctrinal despair in the days, years, or decades ahead, until change comes.

And I do believe change is inevitable. As soon as church leaders acknowledged (around 2010) that experiencing gay sexual desires is not a choice, I think the train to “Doctrinal Change Town” left the station. While I acknowledge that train has had some fits and starts, and that in September and October 2019 it was slowed down drastically by the talks given by President Nelson and President Oaks, I don’t think that majestic train will ever be stopped entirely. The LGBTQ-friendly sentiment is growing in society and that will either continue to stoke the church train’s engine or it will result in a government train pushing from behind to encourage doctrinal change to happen in the decades ahead. I hope I’m still alive and in the church to hear an apostle someday say something like this:

“Forget everything I have said…or whomsoever has said…that is contrary to the present revelation. We spoke with a limited understanding and without the light and knowledge that now has come into the world.” (Bruce R. McConkie, Apostle, speaking in 1978 about a change in doctrine to let Black church members have equal status in the church, https://www.fairmormon.org/answers/Criticism_of_Mormonism/Websites/MormonThink/Blacks_and_the_Priesthood , 1978)

Even if change doesn’t ever happen, I hope the love I might be fortunate enough to create along the way will be worthwhile in and of itself. I think hoping for a better reality, even when it seems unlikely, can be an important way to create love.

But because pure love, justice, and mercy all demand doctrinal change, I do believe it will happen. I can’t believe otherwise - because I refuse to accept that God adversely discriminates on the basis of unchosen biological traits. I believe He will relieve suffering in the next life from unwanted biological conditions, but I can’t believe He will take away a trait we are all taught we should want to keep: how we love genuinely and connect intimately in marriage.

If parents of gay children in the church can’t hope for their kids to have true love here on earth that continues forever in heaven, then maintaining faith is impossible. And faith dies if there is no hope. I think there is profound truth in learning that faith, hope, and charity are each dependent on one another. So I choose to focus my faith and hope on Christ and His love, not on the teachings of anyone in His church (as well-intentioned as they may be) that are hurtful and cause despair and darkness. I don’t know where exactly that will take me, but as a popular Christian writer has taught, that’s not the point of faith anyway:

“…faith isn’t about having everything figured out ahead of time; faith is about following the quiet voice of God without having everything figured out ahead of time.” (Rachel Held Evans, https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/655971-faith-isn-t-about-having-everything-figured-out-ahead-of-time )

I think the key to all of this – to everything in life and eternity – is charity: the pure love of Christ. When I was a bishop, the youth in our ward started calling me “Bishop Charity” after a while because that was all I ever talked about (not that I necessarily exemplified it any better than others). I believe that in every gospel topic we are ever asked to teach about in church, there is always room within that area to improve how we love others. And I think if we were to ask God in person if we’re forgetting the first great commandment (to love Him) because we’re worried so much about the second great commandment (to love others), He’d laugh at us and say we’re being silly. He might remind us that when we are kind “unto the least” of our fellow humans, we are being kind to Him (Matthew 25:40). I suspect He might also point us to the formula that is perfect in its simplicity and that will always produce results that are best for everyone: “Charity never faileth” (1 Corinthians 3:8). In that vein, I agree wholeheartedly with this apostolic teaching:

“Religion without morality, professions of godliness without charity, church-membership without adequate responsibility as to individual conduct in daily life, are but as sounding brass and tinkling cymbals. … Honesty of purpose, integrity of soul, individual purity, freedom of conscience, willingness to do good to all men even enemies, pure benevolence – these are some of the fruits by which the religion of Christ may be known, far exceeding in importance and value the promulgation of dogmas and the enunciation of theories” (James E. Talmage, Apostle, Articles of Faith, page 429, 1899) (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/the-pearl-of-great-price-student-manual-2018/the-articles-of-faith/articles-of-faith-1-5-13?lang=eng )

As I said earlier, I have found a new way to keep my faith in spite of the hurtful dogmas that some church leaders perpetuate. It is driven by a desire to show and feel of that pure benevolence that should be the core of all religious devotion. My new way to maintain my faith basically just consists of:

1. never letting the words or actions of anyone (and I mean anyone, even our highest church leaders) diminish my hope for change in the church’s positions that are hurting people; and

2. never keeping quiet about my pain and my hope for change ever again.

I hope and pray that as church members go about giving talks and teaching lessons in church and at home, they will remember to have pure benevolence toward all, especially our LGBTQ siblings. You might realize someday that, as you spoke, you were unknowingly helping rekindle faith in the heart of an LGBTQ person or their friend or loved one as they felt the hope and love of Christ from your words. And if you’re as fortunate as I was with the lesson I taught as a bishop on loving our LGBTQ siblings, that person will turn out to be your own child.

I love you, Wes – exactly as you are. And I know Christ loves you – exactly as you are. That gives me hope – which helps me keep my faith alive.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13, New English Translation