“Why can’t I just put my concerns on a shelf and go on with my life?”
Here is a free section from Chapter 1 of Evan Smith’s book GAY LATTER-DAY SAINT CROSSROADS: My Journey, Your Journey, and a Scripture-based Path Forward. Actually the whole book is free online as a navigable e-book or PDF download, also available on Amazon in Kindle and paperback, at cost. An Afterword to the book that Evan wrote to explain a change in some of his religious beliefs is available here: https://www.gayldscrossroads.org/afterword. The following was written by Evan while he was an active, believing member of the Church.
Some people think I would be better off emotionally and spiritually if I just set my concerns on a proverbial shelf to deal with later. Many people talk about doing that – putting their doubts or concerns with the church or its teachings on a shelf and just moving on with their lives in faith. I don’t usually like the idea of placing concerns aside, because I think we grow more personally by continuing to study through and struggle with our doubts (“wrestling with God” as in Genesis 32:24, Enos 1:2 and Alma 8:10). At the same time, I do acknowledge the wisdom in being patient while waiting for answers. And I would be patient just quietly waiting if it were solely my well-being that was involved. I’ve already received my answer from God about how to feel personally regarding my son leaving the church and about doctrinal marriage equality in general. If it were just me I was worried about, I would be fine continuing to attend church without ever speaking up about LGBTQ issues or writing this book.
But it’s not just me I’m worried about. I feel an obligation – in fact, I made a covenant to God when I was baptized, renewing that covenant weekly at church ever since – to comfort those who stand in need of comfort. I think the parable of the Good Samaritan applies here (Luke 10:25- 37). I don’t want to be like the priest or the Levite and simply look away and continue on my way when I see someone in pain. I want to be like the Samaritan and use whatever good fortune I may have to try to help relieve that suffering. If I just put my concerns on a shelf and kept going along quietly with my own worship, I fear I would be like the priest and the Levite.
Side note: One reader of an earlier draft of this book told me they couldn’t keep reading all the way through because it was too sad. I acknowledge it’s a tough topic, but I’ve tried to focus on hope as much as I can. And (spoiler alert) this book ends on a high note in the last chapter by talking about how I’ve learned to reconcile painful church teachings on LGBTQ issues with my love of God and my commitment to stay in the church. I personally feel ecstatic about how my journey has taught me to love better – more like how Christ wants me to love, I feel. I believe I’ve found a happy ending, due in part to doing the hard work to bring my doubts and concerns to the Lord.
But I don’t want to condemn anyone who needs to simply place their concerns aside to maintain their faith. I understand that having a shelf available on which to store our concerns when we’re too tired to productively wrestle with them can be important. That being said, for some of us, there simply is no shelf – there’s only a bleeding LGBTQ loved one on the road to Jericho.
-Evan Smith, author